Like everytime we go to my husbands sister's family house, I drive by the hospital where Ronin was born at. My stomach drops everytime and I can replay the entire week were there in my head. I still can see the doctor at the end of my hospital bed, waiting to tell me something. Where the ice machine was, how my room was the furthest away from the NICU and how I had that long walk to go cry behind closed doors. I remember cuddling my baby boy in the corner spot in the NICU, hooked up to all these cords, being poked to check his blood sugar so, so often. I can see everyone face, hearing the nurses play acoustic lullabys on their phone for the babies there. I still remember the other family's stories that were in the NICU with us; the stories never told to me but learned through observations. I remember my baby boy having to have to get his heart checked after the official diagnosis of Down syndrome came through on paper. The doctor checking and listening so close and was sure there was no murmur. Learning of the results that his heart was ok and the emotion with that. There are so many more details that I will never forget, I can't forget, forever etched in my soul and mind. So to have these infinite thoughts when just looking at a building, is a powerful thing.
Sadness is a powerful thing
But to know true joy you need to go through a true despair.
I welcome the sadness because I know it will always come but I am given a gift right after I go through it everytime.
The gift of Trust
I could go through this life being sad that my son has Down syndrome. The constants of "Why did this happen to me, to us?", like an itch that you just cannot scratch. But I am choosing to trust instead. He is closer than we know...
"Lord I hear You I know You're there
Closer now than my skin and bones could dare
Breathing deep within me
You are always with me
I can see You where eyes can't stare
Brighter now than the sun could ever dare
Breathing all around me
God I know You're with me here"
-Closer than we know-Hillsong
So after the sadness comes the most beautiful sunrise. I trust that my son and possibily even I have a greater purpose. I may not see it now and I might never see it but I know God made Ronin the way he is for his devine reason. I will never question that reason. I am blessed beyond belief that Ronin calls me Mommy.